Yes, I said it. (Not appropriate for all genders.)

Let's talk a minute about the once monthly flood that plagues women. Yes, men, I mean what you think I mean. (You may exit now.) There's nothing worse, aside from torture or death, (or the raw squid at Tokyo Steakhouse), than having to deal with this horrid female problem. At least not that I can see. If it were just once a year, I could MAYbe deal with it. But once a month is...well...torture. And in some cases I would actually prefer torture over having it. I know, I know, this is like you're 13 and sitting through a tampon commercial with your dad and your boyfriend both watching. But hey, it's me this time. You're safe. So. Let's line up the facts:

1. Cramps: I put this as #1 because it was the absolute most awful part of my pubescent life. I was immobilized by them. I had to lay down on school floors, people's lawns, and then compound that with bloating, and a big plastic back brace, and you have a miserable little girl. Compound all that with running suicides at basketball practice and you have a quasi unconscious, and at that point, a semi-comfortable little girl.
2. P.M.S. OOOOooooh, if you think I'm a bitch now, you should see me premenstrual. And that's just the angry side. I remember crying for 2 hours straight after watching the movie Cadence. Not just crying- sobbing and hiccupping- the whole deal.
3. Cleanliness. Enough said.
4. Too many choices. Three words: tampons vs. maxi pads. A decision that no woman should have to make.
5. Self consciousness. (I'm assuming by this point it's only women reading, I'm positive I lost all the men at the word "tampon", and even if any of you guys are still accidentally reading this, you of all people know what I'm talking about.) As we all know, women are extremely self conscious little creatures. If we ask our mates how we look, and they say "fine", as opposed to "hott", it can be the downfall of a wonderful evening, and in some cases, of a wonderful relationship. Having said that, the last thing we need to worry ourselves with is having to have our girlfriends "check us", or, if you choose to go the more "topical" route, having a lumpy maxi pad interrupt the sexy curvature of our scrumptious bottom parts.
6. Sex. I want an uninterrupted sex life. I want it when and how I want it, and no, "not waiting" is not an option. This can't possibly be too much to ask.

The only things that I can see come good with Aunt Flo is that your boobs swell up to three times normal, and some women say that they appreciate her coming because it's a sign there won't be any further unwanted products of conception nine months from now. Understandable.

Having mentioned the unmentionable, I will now admit that I speak this freely only because I have not had the pleasure of meeting this terrible mysterious female relative for nearly 7 wonderful years! I put myself on Depo-Provera after Liv was born, even after all the warnings of friends. And I love it. For the first 4 years on the shot, I smoked (I know, big Depo-no-no.)

*F.y.i.-- smoking while on most forms of contraceptives increases your chances of blood clots (i.e. heart attacks, strokes, and deep leg thromboses) immensely. Sorry, it's the nurse in me.

But, for all those who know what I went through from the years 2000 to 2004, let's just say it's a wonder I didn't take up stronger pollutants. So smoking kept me skinny. And when I stopped smoking forever in 2003-4ish, I put on about 20 pounds. But that solved the problem of my boobs not swelling up. If you're lucky like me, you'll gain most of those pounds in your bazoombas. Also, a .05% chance of conception are pretty good odds.

So there I was, a free woman. Sure I had to get stuck with a huge needle every 3 months. And sure I put on 20 pounds. But I hear it was 20 pounds I needed to gain. (Thanks, mom.) Freedom, sweet freedom.

In every good story there needs to be an antagonist. Enter osteoporosis. Enter villainous music. Turns out a study put out last yearish says that you should only be on the shot a maximum of two years. If on it any longer, it basically sucks the calcium from the bones, like slurping the juice from the slurpy before the ice melts, I guess.

If I never mentioned I have terrible back problems, I have terrible back problems. I have to get surgery- big deal, complex, all the way to Arizona back surgery, and with or without it, I am guaranteed severe arthritis throughout my back. That's without any extra help. So if luck was ever on my side to begin with, I just killed it with 25 hypodermic needle stabs.

I had to sign a waiver last year that says I understand what I'm doing to myself if I continue to progress with this (wonderful) therapy. They told me I need to take calcium and vitamin D supplements. But I already take them. (Or I should and forget.) So I know I just need to quit. Like I quit smoking. But this is so much harder than that. I can't go back to those old ways. I can't imagine dealing with any of that again. And what is going to happen to me after 6 long years of no PMS? What if it's been building up all these months and I just explode emotionally?! I could be a danger to myself and others.

So, I'm weaning off of it. And by weaning, I mean I'm overdue for a shot by 3 months. Yesterday I experienced what I think was my first cramp. It was a very Daryl Hannah moment from Splash in that I had no friggin clue what was going on. I nearly collapsed in surprise. But quickly (20 minutes later) I regained my senses and associated the uncomfortable feeling back to 8th grade basketball.

The only other plus I can figure out, you know, asides from, you know, literally breaking into a million pieces by the age of 50, is that I suppose I can fit back in to normal female conversation. So if any of you ever find yourselves at a restroom mirror applying lip gloss, and you find me there also applying lip gloss, we now have a conversational piece. Oh yippee.

Apparently I do have a little religion in me!

You scored as Buddhism. Your beliefs most closely resemble those of Buddhism. Do more research on Buddhism and possibly consider becoming Buddhist, if you are not already.
In Buddhism, there are Four Noble Truths: (1) Life is suffering. (2) All suffering is caused by ignorance of the nature of reality and the craving, attachment, and grasping that result from such ignorance. (3) Suffering can be ended by overcoming ignorance and attachment. (4) The path to the suppression of suffering is the Noble Eightfold Path, which consists of right views, right intention, right speech, right action, right livelihood, right effort, right-mindedness, and right contemplation. These eight are usually divided into three categories that base the Buddhist faith: morality, wisdom, and samadhi, or concentration. In Buddhism, there is no hierarchy, nor caste system; the Buddha taught that one's spiritual worth is not based on birth.

Buddhism 92%
Satanism 83%
agnosticism 83%
Islam 67%
Hinduism 58%
Paganism 58%
atheism 42%
Christianity 25%
Judaism 25%

Which religion is the right one for you? (new version)created with QuizFarm.com

BTW, I'm not really a Satanist. I'd have to actually believe in Satan to be a Satanist. But as a fun little fact, I just read that Satanists aren't really all that purely evil like I always thought (thanks, Mom.) They don't go around killing people for fun, or act like vampires or beat Christians senseless. "They celebrate a pre-Christian notion of Satan, one that is centered on individuality, sensuality, and an aversion to mainstream convention." (From the book I just read.) So aside from celebrating Satan, I guess you could probably, according to that definition, call me a Satanist. Wow. Did I just say that? If there's a hell, I'm definitely going. So for all you out there who are hovering over the "delete friend" button, STOP! I'm actually just really open minded. But not to the point that I'd eat your children for dinner.
Good greif, Charlie Brown. Where has my good blog gone?