I just read the funniest goddamned thing ever. A secret Santa sent me a bag-o-books (hmm...all published by Simon & Schuster...), and instead of folding the 6 giant piles of laundry which have accumulated over the past 2 weeks, I plopped my ass down and started in on one called Mortified, by David Nadelberg.

To summarize the book, it's a compilation of the misery of, mostly, prepubescent strife. Copied directly from diaries, love letters, and the most personal accounts of the most despairing times of their lives, it's a public display of humiliation. And, as it turns out, humor.

Note: I am not exempt from this. I could make my own book out of the 3 diaries I've kept in a footlocker buried deep in my mother's basement. I vowed never to read them again, because it was just too horrifying to have to relive those experiences. But after reading this particular story, I just might have to share.

The story I read was called "The Porn", and it was introduced like-a so:

This is an excerpt from a little something I like to call "The Porn," a forty-plus-page story I wrote when I was twelve.

Obviously all of us go through puberty. But most people handle this onset of new feelings by playing doctor with a friend or learning how to masturbate in the bathtub under the faucet or something. Instead I went the road less traveled and worked it all out...by writing this epic dirty story.

The most interesting thing that I realized about "The Porn" when I reread it as an adult was that I didn't
understand the concept of an orgasm. I got that you'd feel something down there, and I could tell that the feeling would build and build and that ultimately some sort of something would have to happen. But I simply could not conceive of what that might be. And so in my story, at the climactic moments, all the characters just...pee. They just pee everywhere and all over themselves as a means to release.

The lead character, Jenny Wilkinson, spent forty-plus pages wandering around her suburban town getting humped by varying high school boys....

And then I'll stop plagiarizing the book and let you read the rest. But first...my favorite line:

OK. I'll just wear, you know, some lacy underwear and bra and you should just wear some loose pair of shorts. I prefer Umbros. I'll pick you up 'cause I have this car and the seats are great for doing it. O.K., so I'll see you in five minutes.

I'm a loser.

I've been self-absorbed lately, and I apologize.

In my defense, I've been uber busy dealing with some large scale things:


Christmas:

I originally planned for Christmas shopping to be done online, wrapped and shipped directly to me to avoid the terror I witnessed last year called "Christmas in Findlay: The Nightmare Continues". If you don't know what I mean by that, picture a medium-sized town with one general road for shopping, 500 stores on it, and no side roads to take you there. Then picture Every Single Person in such city (and surrounding areas) shopping Every Single Day (at ALL hours) from Thanksgiving until Christmas. I made the obvious mistake of going out the morning after Thanksgiving at around 8:30 to purchase some wine glasses I needed for my family dinner I was having at my house. I didn't even find the ones I planned on buying, but because it took me nearly an hour to find a parking spot, I figured I'd gotten that far and I was leaving with something. I returned home (after waiting in the checkout lane for over an hour) close to 11, which barely gave me enough time to warm my ham up. (I'm thankful for pre-cooked hams.) So needless to say, as much as I did find online, you still have to put in a little sweat, and here it is, the weekend before Christmas and I'm not even close to being done.


House shopping:

We're buying a house. Our lease ends at the end of April, so we decided we'd start looking now, because these things take time. Well, we found the perfect house almost immediately- huge, affordable, and forclosed, so here we are, not even into the new year, and we're making offers and counter offers. Since we're first time homebuyers, I've had to educate myself on all these things, and it's been very time consuming, although we're moving so fast with the purchase of this house. Well, to make a long story short, our offer was counteroffered, but they accepted our price, just putting in a few little stipulations. My dumbass decides Thursday that since they're pretty much forcing us to do all this over the holidays, that they should cough up another $250 to pay for most of the inspection. Brandon thinks this is a stupid idea, but I say that if you had $250 in the bank and it disappeared, you'd probably miss it, right? (I know I would.) So I accepted all their terms, just asking this one small thing. So, today is Saturday, and I haven't heard back. If I'd done the math I'd have realized since they're in California, and maybe this would take us till Monday to find out, and people could actually offer them something better over those 2 little days. I'd actually pay someone $250 right now to remove this rock I have in my stomach. Shit, I'd probably pay them $500 to know we had the house Friday. In conclusion, Brandon was right.


December is a traffic jam of occasions:

Trying to find the right 2 year anniversary present for Brandon while shopping for his Christmas gift is a bitch. I plan on changing our anniversary to July next year. I finally found him the perfect gift: a "discovery pass" that he can cash in on any number of outdoor adventures, such as skiing, whale watching, deep sea fishing, bungee jumping, parasailing, etc. Oh, and a scrapbook of all our adventures to date. What I got? Dinner for two at a local establishment. In his defense, it was the restaurant of our first date. But now I wish I hadn't put so much thought into my gift. I suppose his gift is the house (he's actually buying it), so I'll quit bitching about it.

Also in this category is my little sis's graduation, which didn't cause me any stress, except for seeing her starting this new grown up chapter of her life. Plus I got drunk in front of my mom at her graduation party and tried to fake sobriety. THAT was a little stressful.


Surgery:

Probably the biggest thing of all going on right now. My surgery is actually scheduled for February 21st, in Chicago. (And our closing date is scheduled for January 25th.) I'll be having it done at Northwestern Hospital, downtown. I'll be there for close to a week, so anyone wishing to see me completly snorked on narcotics, this is the perfect time to make fun of me. (But bring presents if you're planning on doing this. I won't remember you were there unless you leave something behind.) I'm having the bionic woman treatment, which will put me out of commission (and work) for close to or more than 6 months. I have come up with a business idea to pay for things while I'm off, so if you're broke and unemployed, call me. I need drivers.


Well, that about sums up where I've been over the past month or so. I'm really needing some "me" time here, so you may see me out at the bars soaking up alcohol. If you do, buy me a beer, 'cause I don't have any money left.