I just read the funniest goddamned thing ever. A secret Santa sent me a bag-o-books (hmm...all published by Simon & Schuster...), and instead of folding the 6 giant piles of laundry which have accumulated over the past 2 weeks, I plopped my ass down and started in on one called Mortified, by David Nadelberg.

To summarize the book, it's a compilation of the misery of, mostly, prepubescent strife. Copied directly from diaries, love letters, and the most personal accounts of the most despairing times of their lives, it's a public display of humiliation. And, as it turns out, humor.

Note: I am not exempt from this. I could make my own book out of the 3 diaries I've kept in a footlocker buried deep in my mother's basement. I vowed never to read them again, because it was just too horrifying to have to relive those experiences. But after reading this particular story, I just might have to share.

The story I read was called "The Porn", and it was introduced like-a so:

This is an excerpt from a little something I like to call "The Porn," a forty-plus-page story I wrote when I was twelve.

Obviously all of us go through puberty. But most people handle this onset of new feelings by playing doctor with a friend or learning how to masturbate in the bathtub under the faucet or something. Instead I went the road less traveled and worked it all out...by writing this epic dirty story.

The most interesting thing that I realized about "The Porn" when I reread it as an adult was that I didn't
understand the concept of an orgasm. I got that you'd feel something down there, and I could tell that the feeling would build and build and that ultimately some sort of something would have to happen. But I simply could not conceive of what that might be. And so in my story, at the climactic moments, all the characters just...pee. They just pee everywhere and all over themselves as a means to release.

The lead character, Jenny Wilkinson, spent forty-plus pages wandering around her suburban town getting humped by varying high school boys....

And then I'll stop plagiarizing the book and let you read the rest. But first...my favorite line:

OK. I'll just wear, you know, some lacy underwear and bra and you should just wear some loose pair of shorts. I prefer Umbros. I'll pick you up 'cause I have this car and the seats are great for doing it. O.K., so I'll see you in five minutes.